When I finally decided that this process had gotten to the point where I needed to start telling people about the possibility of me leaving, I was numb with fear. Satan takes full advantage of these moments. I was bombarded with destructive thoughts. I imagined that folks would be angry, that they would reject me, that I would jeopardize their faith in Jesus, that this would trigger a rebellion leaving Solid Rock on the scrap heap of failed dreams. It was so much easier for me to imagine those scenarios rather than those marked by, what I'm gonna call painful grace.
I think it was easier for me to dwell on the negative because of the different methods utilized by Satan and the Lord. Satan is in your face. He is loud and obnoxious. He is relentless. You kinda can't miss him.
At the same time Satan is going crazy in your face, the Lord stands still in the background. Simply, quietly repeating the same thing, while making firm, but safe eye contact, "you know what you need to do, trust me".
I did not want to tell one person about what was going on on my inside, never mind 40 people. And it didn't get any easier as the things moved forward, as a matter of fact it got harder. Through it all two things remained constant:
1. Satan remained in my face
2. the Lord kept eye-contact, with a gentle, but very resolute look on His face.
And while my announcement wasn't exactly cause for rejoicing for many, none of the threats that Satan was tossing at me actually happened. Here's the thing...they usually never do.
I also want to add that worship did play a key role in me going about telling folks. I kept focusing on the song, "you are my strength" (video is posted somewhere on this blog) and it really did help.
Tomorrow I hope to talk about this "painful grace" thing. I hope.
grace & blessings,
pjim
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I fight the "battle of the mind" every day too. Who will win today...Satan or Jesus? Last night as I sat in my comfy chair with my dog at my side, I was telling God that tomorrow (Thursday) I want to react to situations and respond to people the way Jesus would; that I desire to think His thoughts; and to feel His feelings towards others and situations. In essence, I want to take on the mind of Christ. The test will come early in the morning when that first employee approaches me with a complaint or a problem, when I'm still sleepy and just want to be left alone, and I have to choose if I'm going to listen to Satan or Jesus in the way I respond.
ReplyDeleteI too fight the battlefield of the mind on a daily basis and for me it is debilitating at times, self destructive to the extreme if I allow it to be. Even though I have come to learn in most cases satan is having fun playing with my head there are times I give up and let him have his jollies. It’s very hard to break these negative, destructive thoughts when they’ve been so engrained. But there is hope, I am working through a process and I am a beautiful child of GOD. Pjim I love your illustration. I can picture satan in your face and I can see the Lord’s gentle face looking on in an unyielding manner. I will carry that with me and when I am doubting myself I have another tool, a very powerful and useful tool. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteNow, has Gollum been by to visit you and has he asked you about your "poste" on “painful grace”? I've been waiting...